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Me and My Big Mouth

Just so everyone knows, I’m not only cursed with bad timing, but I’m also cursed with saying things in a way that well – I shouldn’t.

When I first started working at my current job I had some very long hours and no weekends, except for Fridays were I finished at 9pm. I would get to go out smelling like vinegar (that’s how you smell after being in front of a grill or fryer for 11 hours).

On the night of March 26, 2010 (which I remember because I was going to see Hot Tub Time Machine) I was heading out at 9:20pm, I was scheduled to leave at 9pm, but noticing the restaurant was really busy, I stayed an extra 15 minutes and took me five more minutes to wash up a bit and leave; one of my bosses (he’s actually pretty nice) asked me where I was going. I told him to the movies. He answered: “you only worked half a day.” I answered being a bit of a bitch: “It isn’t half a day I’ve been here since 11am, if you have a trouble with me leaving now talk to whoever made my schedule.”

Next day when I came to work, I had a new schedule that put screwed my weekends completely. I worked Fridays from 11am to 11pm. Saturdays from 4pm to 12am and Sundays from 10am to 10pm. No breaks. No weekends. No nothing!

I learned my lesson, next time don’t be a bitch.

“but this is a fancy restaurant.”

The other day at work I was doing a busser shift, yes dear readers, I’m moving up on the restaurant world. From cook to busser. I noticed a waiter was having a little fit about something with one of our waitresses and because that wasn’t my section I really couldn’t go and see what was going on. Emphasis on “see,” because I really don’t have the power to do much.

See the guy was complaining because he had two napkins. Two! You’d think, maybe it was because he needed more, but oh no! There was one too many napkins for him. See according to him, our restaurant is a “fancy restaurant,” and it’s enough to have the “fancy” rolled up silverware with the napkin that comes with it. That’s it. No more napkins is not fancy.

When all the other employees and owner heard what was going on we couldn’t help to laugh (we waited until the patron left). I mean c’mon! I understand people are saving money and not going out much, there’s a recession, but to see us as a fancy restaurant is a stretch.

See there are two big aways to know we are not a fancy restaurant:

1- Paper napkins – not cloth.
2- There’s sidewalk seating

Anyways, at least the guy served us for a good laugh.

No WiFi at your Favorite Restaurant… Too bad!

At the few restaurants that I’ve worked for, people always come and ask for the password for the WiFi. The answer from the manager is always the same, “we don’t offer public wifi.” At first, it was really hard to understand why, but now I had an epiphany and all became clear.

WE WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

Is it mean? Sure. But it’s all for a good cause. See, if restaurants were to have free WiFi people would just go there (instead of a cafe) order a cup of coffee and just sit at a table for hours taking away not only business for the restaurant, but tips for the servers. You want your favorite restaurant to stay open? Then come and bring business – real business.

I Hate Milkshakes!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

There, I said it! I hate milkshakes! I don’t hate milkshakes because I don’t like icecream! Uh-uh. I love ice cream. I don’t hate milkshakes because I don’t like milk. No sir! I love milk. I hate milkshakes because where I work everyone wants one!

I get it, it’s summer, its warm outside and nothing like a thick, delicious milkshake to cool you down. Yes, I get it! But come on! It’s like whenever I’m working is milkshake day – everyone effin wants one!

It’s not like it’s hard to make a milkshake. It’s not like it’s a long, complex process. But when you are tasked with doing milkshakes, answering phones, sending orders out for delivery, clearing the counter and pouring other beverages, making the milkshakes will slow you down and back you up.  The other day while watching tv, this woman comes on and says she’s fighting for a dairy free-America, or some bullshit like that. She claims that an animals milk is tailored for that animal’s offspring, not for us. After all (she’s kind of right here though) a cow’s milk is supposed to make a calf grow into a 1,500 pound animal, imagine what can do to us. I don’t remember her name so if you really want to read more about this click here (it will show you some other researcher). After I heard her, I wanted to slap her silly until she snapped out of it. But now, because I hate making milkshakes, and milkshakes have dairy I want to hold hands with her and help her on her crusade.

So please, feel like having a milkshake? Go to fucking Ben & Jerry’s. Plus it’s summer, if you’re going to pack-on the pounds do it during winter, when it’s easier to hide it.

Rant over, thank you for reading

P.S.: Oh and to that bitc*@ (lovely customer) who called the other day asking me at the last minute to make a milkshake with soy milk because she doesn’t like dairy, can I just say: WTF? What do you think ice-cream (or at least restaurant ice-creams) are made with? Beans?!

Why be an ASS to the person who can SPIT in your meal?

It seriously puzzles me how some customers feel that they must be rude to the person who handles their meal. I don’t know if it is because they don’t have any power at their work or home. They feel everyone should worship them because they’re about to spend their money at your establishment. Or maybe they’re just mean. But if you’re going to be an asshole, could you for your own sake wait until after you’ve eaten your food?

A big F*#* You is the least of your worries

The other day I was taking a delivery order and this guy (who obviously) had a menu in hand couldn’t get his order right. So it was up to me to make sure he would get what he wanted. He had already ordered three burgers and wanted a turkey burger. Now, if you knew where I worked (or saw the menu) would understand we have more than 10 choices when it comes to burgers and all their “patties” can be of the meat (or veggie option) you’d like. Also, there are no misleading menu items or name, but one of them unless read carefully (or explained as I was doing) can make people think it’s a turkey burger and it’s not. I was explaining this to our customer (in better detail) and he kept insisting he wanted a turkey burger, I kept asking our original burger with a turkey patty (he had already ordered three of those with beef) and he kept insisting: “no, I want the turkey burger.” I re-explained the whole thing and he screamed at me over the phone. I just said “okay, a turkey burger” and put in what I thought he wanted. Not sure if he got it, but  my manager never told me or anyone someone had called to complain.

Did I feel like spitting on this guys meal? Sure. Did I feel like throwing it on a dirty floor and putting it back on his plate? You bet. Did I have the chance to do it? For sure. Did I? No way.

See, I think that’s just mean, and below the belt and I’m not like that. At least not yet. In places I’ve worked before I have never witnessed anyone doing it because the kitchens were open and the patrons could see inside and see if any shenanigans were taking place. But, oh… the stories you hear from those who’ve been in the industry far longer. Spitting is the least of your worries. Call it childish, call it sick, call it unprofessional, call it whatever you want, but I just call it basic human condition. When you are an ass to someone who’s being genuinely nice to you, who’s trying to help you and you want to make their life hell (after twenty others tried doing the same thing) then forgive our human nature on taking “revenge” on someone who has wronged you.

I honestly don’t encourage this behavior and I don’t think I’ll ever do something like that, however, just that I understand the feeling of wanting to do it is as a scary thing. So when you go out to dinner you won’t ever really know if your waitress is a spitter, or the cook or the delivery phone guy. Be nice to them (even do it without thinking they can do horrible things to your meal) and make sure you always tip your server and delivery boy.

KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, When you call for delivery or take-out.

Rainy days, love them or hate them, they can make or break a restaurant. If your restaurant doesn’t have delivery, expect zero business on a rainy day. Yesterday it was raining a bit hard in good ol’ New York City, so our restaurant’s phone never stopped ringing. Fine by me, more business means I get to keep my job and I’m positive that the delivery boys where happy as well, but please I beg you, when you call to order, BE READY.

It’s okay if you have any questions about the menu, or any of the ingredients – really it is. Just be ready to order immediately after those questions (if there are any) are answered. Have your credit card ready if you’re paying with one. I’m sure you hate when you call a restaurant and they put you on hold forever. We don’t do this because we don’t want to talk to you or we don’t want your business. We do it because there’s a customer shouting to his wife three rooms away what does she wants to order, and that’s when she starts looking through the menu. Or it’s because someone left his wallet in his other pants and has to go get them. Let’s make the delivery process as smoothly as possible, not for us, but for the other customer who’s on hold.

Be. Be. Ready!

No it’s not undercooked, it’s Rare just like you asked.

Something that I’m sure irks waiters as much as it does cooks is when a customer complains their meat is under (or over) cooked. Sure, if they requested well done and it’s a bloody as hell it’s not the customers fault and it must be fixed. However,more often than not the  customer orders medium-rare or rare and then he complains “it’s too pink.” I’ve seen waitresses try to explain to customers that that’s how medium rare looks like, but they want it cooked more, the waitress brings it back to us and we cook it longer until it’s well done, so there will be “no pink.”

When this happens, I’m not sure if it’s just an ignorant customer, a customer trying to be “fancy,” or a customer trying (badly) to impress someone. In any case if it’s ignorance you have a waiter/ess who will gladly inform you on the difference between a rare burger and a well done one, so that’s really no excuse. If a customer’s trying to be “fancy,” in the end he just comes looking stupid. And if he’s trying to impress someone, I must say really? Like looking like an ignorant ass who gives his server hell?

Meat Doneness Chart

Other than complaint I want to do something to help those of you out there to understand meat doneness:

Term	Description
Extra-rare or Blue (in French bleu)	very red and cold
Rare (saignant)	cold red center; soft
Medium rare (a point)	warm red center, firmer
Medium (cuit)	pink and firm
Medium Well (bien cuit)	Small amount of pink in center
Well Done	Gray-brown throughout, firm

Source wikipedia

Now you know, so next time no excuses, por favor.

Just Because it’s ten minutes before we close, doesn’t mean we have to serve you.

I hate it and I’m sure the servers do too that when a place is supposed to close at 11pm, someone shows up at 10:57pm and expects to be served. By that time the cooks have already closed shop and are ready to leave after a long day of work. If you manage to convince your host or a waiter to take your order, not only will you suffer the wrath of the cooks, we can’t guarantee the end product. We will rush through it, we will cut corners because we want to get out of there.

See the cooks are usually at a restaurant since early in the morning and depending on the restaurant there may or may not be an actual break, if there’s one is a paltry 15 minutes one. Also, have you noticed the weather? I’m sure it’s beautiful. It’s warm and sunny. Guess what, if it’s 90F outside it’s usually 110F in the kitchen. We sweat like pigs and we want to get out of there, don’t extend it. The only thing you’ll get is something rushed, probably overcooked or undercooked and no one to fix it because we’ll be out of there.

Think I’m overreacting? Let’s say in your regular 9-5 that you hate so much, it’s 4:57pm and you’re about to go home and relax for the day, now picture your boss comes and says: “oh wait, before you leave I need you to do this.”

“Yes, asshole” (or bitch) will be your immediate thoughts and that’s exactly how we feel about you.

The truth about Fries (For delivery, take-out or dining-in).

Oh fries, what a delicious and pretty food. Yours truly here eats as many as he wants when he’s at work. Because of this I have gained at least 15 pounds. Bummer…! But let’s get to the point of this post, and let’s get there fast. When you order fries for delivery or take out you will never, EVER, find them as fresh and crispy as you would like.

If you crave fries in all good honesty go to the neareast McDonalds or Burger King and have their pre-cooked, frozen fries. Or go to your closest grocery store/deli and buy a frozen package and fry them at home yourself. I guarantee you this is the only way you can satisfy your craving.

Get the large one dummy!

When ordering delivery or take-out at a busy restaurant, where they have the fries you love, odds are against you getting those crispy fries you want. There are five factors going against you.

1- How busy is the restaurant?
2- How many orders are ahead of yours (both dine-in, take-out or delivery)?
3- How long does your order sits on the counter before it being dispatched for delivery?
4- Is your order the closest for the delivery guy, the furthest?
5- Even if distance is not an issue, is it a small order or a large order? (Large orders tend to get delivered first because chances are the delivery guy will get a better tip).

Usually in restaurants orders are finished in a “first-come/first-served” basis. Which is all good, but if there are 10 orders, and the last one is for a medium rare burger with fries, chances are that guy will get the crispy fries that were meant for your “well, well, well done” burger and your fries will just sit in the delivery box until your burger finishes cooking. Depending on how nice the fry cook is or how busy the kitchen is, they may try and submerge the fries again in the oil, to get them warmer and crispier, but this can only truly work if your order goes out right after it to your place of residence.

When you are dining-in, be smart, don’t get a side of fries, have a large order come to you. Have two if you want to go all crazy and stuff! I’ve seen fries waiting at least 20 minutes before they go out. But a large side goes out right away. Once I was working the fry station during a very busy brunch shift and I had friends who came over to have brunch there. The second I saw them, I texted them and said: don’t get a side of anything fried. Get large orders. They were so happy, especially after they noticed the soggy side of fries on nearby tables.

P.S.: When ordering fries for take-out or delivery, don’t try to be “smart” and asked from them “extra crispy.” The only thing you’ll get are burnt soggy fries.